Wednesday, March 30, 2005

More Work

Yeah yeah yeah....

Follow your passions, dreams, goals, desires....

Or like the scene from "Office Space" goes -- The main character talks about being in the counselor's office in High School and being asked what he would do if he suddenly came in possession of $1 million. And he thinks about it sitting in his cubicle with his friends and comes up with his answer -- "Nothing."

Who said that we actually had to join the rat race of working stiffs to actually feel like we're contributing to society? Who said that being a small cog in the machine of Western capitalism run amuck? Who said that I had to be a happy small-time producer with no rights or ownership as well as a blind big-time consumer following the whims of Madison Avenue? Why can't I retreat from the world like Henry David Thoreau? Why is that pegged as such an idealized, impractical reaction? Why? Maybe I like the wilderness and don't want to rely on electricity.... I'd miss my music though.... Hehehe....


Ehhhh.... There are nights when I just don't like my job, don't like what I do, don't like what I sell, don't like that my life is being quickly sucked out of me. I'm sure we've all had such jobs, but the question is, "What do we do about them when we're stuck in them?


So, I spent the evening in Houston, in a theater, getting really charged up and inspired to do more than I usually do with my life. Granted, I don't just sit around all the time being a drain upon society and wasting the air that I breathe, but there are those times when I think, "Wow. What am I really doing with me life? How did I become such a big, stinkin' loser?" Then there are those times when I think, "Wow. I have a lot to offer someone. I have big ideas, dreams, & visions that someone/body could help me put to use for the greater good of mankind (or something else ridiculously idealistic!"

But when I hear someone like Amy Goodman speak, I remind myself that I CAN get involved with a cause or some causes in which I really believe and I CAN make a difference. And that, my friends, really isn't idealistic. It's motivation. Plain and simple. I just have to get myself off of dead center (a interesting metaphor, since what do you find in the middle of roads in East Texas? Dead animals) and get myself moving toward a more common good, not only for how I interact with the world, but also in how the world engages me. Wow. Don't I feel pushed, prodded, and poked. Or if anything, I've received yet another bit of focusing and refocusing in my life and direction. Involvement and volunteerism does NOT mean that you get exploited by the parent organization. They JUST might actually appreciate your assistance and effort.

Monday, March 28, 2005



Must Resist....

I must resist....

But it seems that I can't. I'm not sure why I want to continue on with some thoughts and ideas off of my last post, but I do. I do think that I'm afraid of myself. Afraid of what I can do. Afraid of what I can't do. Afraid of what can be done to me. I know that guys are stereotypically "afraid of committment", but I don't even attempt to enter into any kind of relationship. I'm afraid to even ask someone out on a date. Why? Why is that? Why am I such a little chicken? Well, I'm sick and tired of asking why to myself. I'm really tired of being afraid of myself. I've trapped myself and my emotions inside for much too long now, afraid of being exposed, afraid of being known, afraid of being me. I've been afraid of just being.

What does that mean -- "Being"? To me, it means actually acting like the person that you want yourself to be. It's kind of like self-actualization, but without all the hoopla of psychobabble. I've got to figure out who I want to be, who I need to be, and who I can be. I've conformed to someone else's image of my present and future for so long, I've forgotten who I am and can be. I've become a spiritual and emotional cripple because I've molded myself into someone else's impression of who I am. Whatever happened to me? Does ME still exit? I hope so. That's why I'm here. I resisted this blogging thing for awhile because of my contrarian streak, but I think I'm gonna like it here. I think I'm gonna like who I find here. Me....

Saturday, March 26, 2005


"My nervousness exists on several levels." -- Andy Shepherd in "American President"

So here's what I think about relationships, like you all REALLY need to hear more people whine about crap like this. But here's this -- people like me THINK about crap like this quite frequently. Of course, this is really quite saddening, especially since I think that people like me can be quite lame at times (or most of the time). But the truth of the matter is, I'm scared. I get scared and I feel scared around women. Why is this, you ask? Why should someone who gets along well with many people, enjoys the regular company of several women, women who tend to enjoy my company in return? Why am I nervous? What causes me to be nervous? What causes me to be such a wuss? And why the heck do I whine so much?

Seriously now, it's not like I try to whine or even try to be nervous, but it happens. I can't bring myself to ask a girl out on a date. Am I afraid of rejection? Yeah, but who's NOT at some level of their social lives. Am I afraid of women? I don't think so, or I wouldn't spend so much time hanging out with them. Am I afraid of committment? Well, yeah. Duh. I'm a guy. How much of a huge gender stereotype is that, but damn, it's the truth. What am I afraid of concerning committment?

I think that the larger question that I ask myself is, "What am I going to do about me?" I think that my committment problems are really about the fact that I don't really trust myself. I don't really think that I really have myself figured out -- though I'm not sure that I ever will. However, what I think I'm facing is the fact that I don't even know how to be in a relationship. I don't think I've even ever been in one -- one where I can trust myself with the woman I'm with or even one where I really feel like I'm being loved for myself and not "my potential." I think that I am afraid of me. I am afraid and I don't know how to become unafraid.