Saturday, March 26, 2005

Slowdown

"My nervousness exists on several levels." -- Andy Shepherd in "American President"

So here's what I think about relationships, like you all REALLY need to hear more people whine about crap like this. But here's this -- people like me THINK about crap like this quite frequently. Of course, this is really quite saddening, especially since I think that people like me can be quite lame at times (or most of the time). But the truth of the matter is, I'm scared. I get scared and I feel scared around women. Why is this, you ask? Why should someone who gets along well with many people, enjoys the regular company of several women, women who tend to enjoy my company in return? Why am I nervous? What causes me to be nervous? What causes me to be such a wuss? And why the heck do I whine so much?

Seriously now, it's not like I try to whine or even try to be nervous, but it happens. I can't bring myself to ask a girl out on a date. Am I afraid of rejection? Yeah, but who's NOT at some level of their social lives. Am I afraid of women? I don't think so, or I wouldn't spend so much time hanging out with them. Am I afraid of committment? Well, yeah. Duh. I'm a guy. How much of a huge gender stereotype is that, but damn, it's the truth. What am I afraid of concerning committment?

I think that the larger question that I ask myself is, "What am I going to do about me?" I think that my committment problems are really about the fact that I don't really trust myself. I don't really think that I really have myself figured out -- though I'm not sure that I ever will. However, what I think I'm facing is the fact that I don't even know how to be in a relationship. I don't think I've even ever been in one -- one where I can trust myself with the woman I'm with or even one where I really feel like I'm being loved for myself and not "my potential." I think that I am afraid of me. I am afraid and I don't know how to become unafraid.

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