Tuesday, May 31, 2005

People, People, People....

I spent all day yesterday with people that I love, truly love. But there is potentially a bit of a problem with me doing so. I'll explain why....

I could/should have spent the day with my blood family, but I didn't know until late that they were even getting together to do anything. To top it off, when I did talk to my Mom on Monday (around 1PM), she mentioned that her cousin was going to come over and visit. He's a great guy that we never get to see much of, which is symptomatic of the relationships my Mom's side of the family has with each other.

Things have been strained on my Mom's side of the family ever since her Mother's (my grandmother) death in 1993. Most of the family didn't spend any time with her as she was dying from cancer that was ravaging her body, and my Mother bore the emotional brunt of having to care for her Mother since few others even came around to say hello. Thus, things have been SOOOO weird for the past decade and I'm not sure that there's a resolution to the whole scenario.

Hence, to learn that her cousin was possibly coming to visit was exciting news and I told my Mom to call me if/when he arrived at the house. I kept my phone with me all night while at a party some of my friends were throwing in case my Mom/Family called. When they hadn't called by 9PM, I thought nothing more of it UNTIL, when getting into my car and beginning to drive home at 1AM, my phone suddenly beeps at me, letting me know that I had missed THREE CALLS FROM MY FAMILY between 6:30 & 8PM. I was mortified, embarrassed, and chagrined because I knew that my Mother was NOT going to let me hear the end of this, mostly because she thinks that I ignore my family and put others first in my life (which can be interpreted as the truth).

I spent all day with my spiritual family -- the people that I share with, play with, laugh with, cry with, attend church with, plan with, live in front of, and try to live as Christ with. The problem with that is that my Mom thinks that I'm a heathen who's left the "truth" & "the real church" (oneness Pentecostalism) and now cavorts with other not-quite-saved people and backsliders. And knowing that she thinks this about me hurts -- A LOT. Knowing that she thinks that I've forsaken my blood family for these other people hurts -- A LOT! I'm just not sure how to address this with her, mostly because we speak such different languages.

I simply had a great day with people that I love, until I got in my car to learn that I have yet again disappointed other people that I love, namely my Mom. And please don't interpret this to be Oedipal, because it's not. I just have had a great relationship with my Mother for years, at least until I left fundamentalist Pentecostalism for a wholer, healthier, saner, and (dare I say it?) more-Jesus-focused manner of being a Chiristian. The only problem with this is that home life is so strained and I do NOT want this to be the turning point where my family begins to fracture and not talk to each other often.

And the sad thing is that something similar exists between my Dad's siblings as well -- it started with their Mother's death in 1971 (or something like that) where their Father kinda withdrew from the world and deepened with their Father's death in 1997. They all speak different cultural/political/spiritual languages, 3 have left any semblance of the Roman Catholicism of their youth, one is really involved with his family in a community church, and only my Dad is an observant/practicing Roman Catholic. They only see each other 2, MAYBE 3, times a year and I do NOT want this to happen between myself and my parents, much less myself and my brothers (though we currently get along way too well for us to fracture at this point).

People, people, people. I guess that, since I'm such a decent/good communicator, I hate when the lines of communication are breaking down. I love people and I don't want people to think that I don't love them, esp my parents. I'm sure that everyone goes through this at some point, but does it have to be at such a severe degree? How do I even begin to approach reconcilation? How do I shore things up? Help??


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