Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Chords of Discord

I rather do like making music, though I've spent much of my adult life being stifled in that regard, mostly by the organized church, and sometimes my own insecurities. And I'll admit that I'm not the most accomplished guitar player, I don't have the best licks, I'm not that disciplined in many regards, and I know enough music theory (thanks to being a band nerd) to make me scary when it comes to composition and arrangement. However, I just like making music -- strumming my guitar, working out melody lines, chord changes, progressions of thought, the contemporary poetry represented in lyrics to that music being played. All of that stuff. All of it. I write as therapy sometimes. I strum to keep the mental bugaboos away. And there are times that I flee from it all because I find myself saying to myself that I don't have any business playing music -- no one's appreciated it before, so who's gonna start now? I don't know -- I'm sure that there's lots of past hurts, guilt, and self-loathing there, as well as fears that I won't be understood or written off as a hack or copycat. But that never stopped other people -- rejection should propel me to strive harder, especially if this music stuff really mattered so much to me.

Of course, all of this introspection does get me into trouble, including when I think about all of the other artistic endeavors at which I'd like to begin in this life of mine. I love writing, I love sharing, I love commentating upon this world about me, I love sharing these thoughts with others -- thus, my question would be to myself, "Why can't I combine all of these things (things that I love to do), and create a vocation out of it?" I'm not thinking of this in career terms (though writing would be my career), but in terms of living a life that means something, both for my personal benefit and in hopes of contributing something to the world. I guess that I keep waiting for this opportunity to drop into my lap, without any hard work and ass-busting on my part, but I have realized that I have to "begin the begin" (to quote Michael Stipe) and get to work. The question now is, "Where can I get started? To whom do I contribute? To whom do I submit these thoughts, ideas, ramblings of mine (in article form)?" As soon as I see things beginning to fit somehow, they start to fall apart again. Urgh....

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