Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Urgh....

OK then....

It's been awhile since I've been here, though I told myself that I'd find a way to talk more on here. Oh well, here I am again, but I'm not sure that things have changed much. I did pretty well at my solo show last weekend doing covers of music that I love -- The Cure, Johnny Cash, & U2. I really liked being up there, discoursing on music and ideas that matter to me. I know that I've always wanted to do that -- play music, talk to people, connect with people -- I'm just having a bit of trouble getting started. I'm not sure who to call, who to contact, where to go to set up concerts. I think that I'm psyching myself out by telling myself that the folk singer concept is totally misunderstood in popular music, esp since it doesn't sell volumes of records & doesn't get on pop radio. But when I think about it from that perspective, I shouldn't worry about not getting that big, because that shouldn't be my goal or purpose. My major focus should be upon writing songs that I love, writing music that people can connect with, play shows that I would want to attend as a fan. It shouldn't be that hard, but it is sometimes....

And then, here's this -- I've been dreaming a WHOLE lot lately, and that's really strange for me, since I've never been one to remember his dreams or even having dreams. Yes, I realize that most people dream everynight as a function of their REM sleep, but I've never really remembered what I've been dreaming. What's even stranger is that my dreams haven't been that strange -- my Mom has the world's strangest, most vivid dreams (she'd make Tarantino blush with the rampant violence, I'm convinced). But my dreams have been fairly pedestrian, VERY tame compared to the dreams of most people. Nothing strange has happened, no one's started flying, no one has turned into curious beasts, or whatever else happens in most other people's dreams & visions (*thinking of Ezekiel here).

What I've been dreaming is this -- spending time (LOTS of time) with this wonderful female friend of mine, not as friends, but as people who are romantically involved. Nothing has happened in those dreams that has been scandalous, immoral, wrong, sinful, or whatever. For example, I woke up Monday morning and could vividly remember spending a whole entire day with this woman -- a day spent walking around a big city's arts community. Bookstores, art shops & galleries, craft stores, eateries, and other assorted places were all visited, owners talked to, friends conversed with, streets walked, sidewalks traversed, and it was the most wonderful, glorious experience. I remember waking up thinking, "WHY AM I AWAKE NOW???" I rather didn't want to wake up from what had been most likely one of the most wonderful days of my life.

So here's this -- I know that dreams are windows into our subconscious mind, our innate desires, our hopes/dreams/passions. However, I'm afraid to ask myself (or anyone who knows me & this woman) what it all means. Yes, I realize how pedantic & inane it is to ask, "What does it all mean?!?", but I really do want to know in this situation. Being totally honest, I have always liked this woman, been attracted to her, and found her fabulous, but I've been afraid to do something about it, mostly under the guise of not wanting to "ruin our friendship". So, this dream rather scares me -- nothing "happened", except that we had such a supremely wonderful day/date together. ACK! Or maybe rather, Urgh.... What do I do? Anything? Nothing? Confront? Evade? Pursue? Retract? Help....

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