Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I still haven't found what I'm looking for, but I might be getting close

I was conversing with my friend Provoked today at work about life, work, vocation, purpose, plan, etc. Those kinds of things. You know the kinds of talks of which I speak. You discourse upon how things will be better if you knew just what to do with your life. Or you might discuss the chance that you missed awhile back. Or one of you might start doing if you could do anything at all. Those kinds of talks.

And yes, I'm sure that you all have "that friend" with whom you can have those "what does it all mean?" kind of conversations. I have a couple of them and one came by the store today for a couple of hours. Granted, we didn't talk non-stop, since I did help customers as needed. I'm not that much of a slacker. I'm not sure I could be -- it's not in my nature. No matter how much I might not like what I'm doing, I feel that I have too much character not to do a job to the best of my ability.

All that being said, there is somethings truly and really at stake here with conversations of this nature. What am I looking for in this life? When everything is boiled away from the discussion and the issues, what is it that I want to center the course of my life around?

Are those naive questions?

Are those narcissistic questions?

Are those selfish questions?

Are those self-serving questions?

Are those silly questions?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. But they are still worth something, no matter how ridiculous they might seem.

Why? Because we've all asked them. We're all asking them. And someone in the future will ask them. We need these questions. We need to feel that we have the permission to ask those questions. What we do not need is to feel chastised, disdained, childish, and faithless when we ask those questions.

Oh, I know that my worth is in Jesus. My hope is in Jesus. My salvation is in Jesus. My example for the living of this life IS Jesus. But if I ever begin to think that I have it all figured out, that I know what I'm looking for, or that I think that I've arrived, I will have most likely kicked Jesus off of the seat of headship upon which he sits in my life.

And I think that tends to be my problem. I tend to be so focused upon doing what Jesus wants me to do in my life that I forget about Jesus. I get so wrapped up in trying to work/live for Jesus that I forget that my life is/should be Jesus, if I'd just let him....

What am I looking for? I'm not really sure some days, and I'm OK with that. My identity is not in what I do, but should be in Jesus. Oh, he might help me discover that ideal vocation or magnum opus in my life, but my goal should never be what I can achieve, but what he can achieve in me.

Granted, life isn't about unmitigated, unparalleled success, but it certainly does feel good to accomplish something of worth & value. I just need to remember that if I seek to accomplish something, no matter what the cost, I'm probably going to stretch myself in so many directions that I won't find fulfillment in anything at all. Success isn't about what we do, but how we do it. The ends are made infinitely better because of the means. Thus, Jesus is my means and he'll help me define those ends, if I just let him.


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